I've been in a weird funk/creative block. I tried for some time to force myself out of it and nothing proved to work. Then, after a deep conversation with someone I barely knew, followed by more introspection (and I mean more, because I've been QUITE introspective recently), I came to the conclusion that I was exactly where I needed to be at the moment, and I needed to just roll with it.
Not that I was sitting around being depressed...I just wasn't feeling productive. I feel as though I have a great deal of creativity within me ready to burst forward, but when I sit in front of the computer to write or look at my hal-finished painting...nothing. I'm still not submitting myself for many auditions, but that really has more to do with wanting to get back into physical shape before I put myself out there again. Anyway, I started to get angry with myself for not accomplishing anything, and for being a lump on the couch in front of the cable TV that I pay too much for, but then this conversation with this almost-stranger prompted me to realize a few things. I've been through a lot in the past 6 months. Not only that, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm re-evaluating everything. It's almost as if I'm trying to find myself all over again, and that is a little bit stressful. Exciting, but stressful nonetheless. That being said, I deserve to take some time off. To rest. To stop trying so hard, stop beating up on myself, stop worrying about the next moment. Right now I need to just BE. Whatever that may mean to me in the moment.
Today I began to feel vibrant again - I woke up early, went hiking again, baked banana bread saw my aesthetician (you must go to Mend Day Spa for all of your facials and waxing), submitted paperwork for a possible new source of income....and now I'm at the Coffee Bean ready to work on my script...and I left my Final Draft CD at home. Instead, I stay creative by turning my focus to my neglected blog, where I tell you, as interestingly as I can, that I have nothing to say.
At least I am making the effort. :)
Stay in the love, people.
As someone who is going through this journey with you (in more ways than one) I think that nothing to say is sometimes something. I mean, my blogs have been filled with meandering thoughts lately. I too have a half painted painting, beginnings of many books and stories, and a novel sitting there gathering dust as I avoid submitting it. But,I believe that it goes in cycles, and when we are ready to move on we will. More importantly, though, someone said to me recently that I have to forgive myself. You have to do that too. You have to forgive yourself for an perceived wrongs, for needing time, for sitting around watching cable. I personally have to forgive myself for what I call failure. I know I haven't failed, I just haven't figured out yet what it is I am meant to do. Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into "all about me". I just wanted to let you know that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now, and that I love you.
ReplyDeleteMuah! We're both going to get back on track soon. And you have a whole new journey ahead of you! I hope that it is an exciting one.
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