I'm Over it....AND...Fun With Food

This is a blog in 2 parts...the first is a bit that I wrote a few days ago, and then debated whether or not I really wanted to post it. So I'm going to, then I'm going to expand on it. So here goes:

"I’m over it."

I’ve been saying this phrase a lot recently. To the dogs when they act up: “Begbie stop it. I’m over it.” To the politicians on the radio: “Seriously? No way. I’m over it” (and then I turn the radio off). Men? HA! “Over it”.

But today…today I succumb to the frustration of something I have put a lot of time and energy into over the past few months. And today I say…”Calorie-Counting…I’m over it!!!!!”

I’ve really been making a concerted effort to drop the weight that I’ve gained over the past few years. Generally, I’m doing fairly well. I haven’t lost any pounds yet, but with working out every day, everything in my body is tighter, stronger and healthier, and it shows...but only a little. My pants are even a little loose...but only a little. I’ve even gotten to enjoy some of the workouts that I do, instead of moaning and groaning about the prospect of going to the gym. Cardio Barre is like crack – it will kill you, but it’s amazing (that’s an exaggeration of course, and I’ve never tried crack, so I couldn’t really tell you about it).

The problem is with the diet. This time around I have been counting my calories, and for some time thought that I had been doing fairly well. But after 2 months I haven’t lost anything. And that is just not right. Now, I admit that I have cheated here and there, but I still should be down AT LEAST two pounds, muscle growth and everything. Nada. But what’s really bothering me is my energy level. When I go over my calories, I feel fine, but worry that I’m not going to lose weight as quickly (also counter-productive). When I am at my calorie limit I’m tired and hungry as hell…even if I make sure to eat only healthy foods. But I don’t want to eat more for fear of sabotaging my diet!

So, today I say to calorie-counting, “I’m over it.” I’m going to stop burdening myself. The calorie count for my exercise (calories burned) is never accurate anyway. But that doesn’t mean that I will give up. So here is what I WILL do:

1. Continue my exercise regiment, and even increase it as my strength and endurance builds.
2. Continue to avoid foods that contain gluten and dairy (but I won’t be mad at myself if I have some whole wheat from time to time).
3. Keep my carb intake low.
4. Do my VERY BEST (no promises) to stay away from the refined sugar (it’s my crack) and sweets.
5. Generally eat in a healthy way, increasing my fruits and vegetables and limiting my portions (not over-eating at meals).
6. Drink plenty of water.
7. Limit alcohol consumption (I’m getting too old for these hangovers, anyway).
8. Meditate daily, and stay stress-free.

Ideally this will maintain a healthy level of energy while keeping my metabolism up and still burning calories, even if it’s only a few calories at a time. Something is better than nothing, and nothing happens overnight! So we’ll see. I’ll try it for the next month, and check back in in October. In the meantime…staying positive and motivated!

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So that's part one. And I can tell you, that so far I feel A TON better. We'll se how it goes. Now the fun part...discovering foods and ways of cooking that are relatively healthy.

I actually like to cook, and when I really get into healthy eating, I have fun coming up with new dishes that are both healthy AND yummy. But what I really wanted to share today, was how I've put meals together on the fly without killing the nutritional aspect...and I give all of the credit to Trader Joe's.

Most of you know I'm constantly on the go, driving from home to a client, from a client to the chiropractor back home, to the gym back to the chiropractor, back home, etc. I'm also hypoglycemic, so if I don't eat regularly I get crazy (like, you don't want to be around me, obnoxious). So I've been eating out a lot, which is neither good for the stomach or the wallet. The funnier thing is, when I go shopping I try to avoid getting processed foods at all cost...but then what do I eat when I go out? Processed foods.

So I came to a compromise. I bought a few items from Trader Joe's that may be slightly processed but are still relatively healthy, so that I could quickly throw together dishes that mimicked what I was buying in fast food. Buying pre-packaged hummus may not be as wonderful as making fresh hummus, but it certainly beats a burger.

Today's quick concoction: Spanakopita with Falafel and tzatziki on a bed of mixed greens.

Geddit! All from Trader Joe's. Cooked spanakopita in the oven while I showered....the frozen falafel takes 1 minute to heat up in the microwave and I placed it on top of the greens with a large spoonful of tzatziki. Yum!

Clearly I'm on a Mediterranean kick. But no more Daphne's on the run. They deep-fry their spanakopita, too...it's kinda gross.

And, if I really need to grab a meal on the fly, I'll grab a Trader Joe's salad or wrap, instead of hitting the drive-thru (that is, if I can spend the 10 extra minutes trying to grab a spot in their zoo of a parking lot). ;)

Now what?

Ever feel that way?

So much inside, So much to say

But stopping short of expression

Is it fear that keeps us

Nearly bursting at the seams?

So full you can't feel your stomach

And your heart hurts

What excuse is there

To make no use of those talents?

Are you waiting for the catalyst?

Would you know it if you saw it?

What device suffices nowadays

To dull the feeling?

Going on and on and on and on

Hoping it will just...move....on....

Turn away from the light inside

And turn towards the effects

Of those around you

Or don't...

Embrace yourself

Embrace the feeling

Embrace all that comes forth from within you

No matter what shape or form

Drop your walls

Grow some balls

Scream it out

Let it all...go....

The question is not what

But when

And the answer is always

Now.

So...tell me what you have to say.

Self-Reflection Part 2 - Recklessness

When I was younger, my mom referred to me as her "edge-walker." I was an edge-walker. Actually, I was fairly self-destructive, but it manifested in a way that screamed I don't five a f***, nothing can hurt me, and if it does...whatev. I think that I've either been really lucky, or have had a spirit guide following me along the way keeping me out of TOO much trouble. There are occasions when I look back and am saddened by how mean I was to myself. But, in some ways, I don't mind all of the hardships that I have gone through, because I have learned a lot of lessons along the way, lessons that I feel I can share with others, especially those who may not yet realize the extent of their own recklessness.

That's right, I'm talking to you.

Let's climb out of the well of denial, shall we? Maybe you drink too much. Perhaps you are a little reckless in *ahem* choosing partners...Maybe you smoke, maybe you do drugs....maybe you SHOP too much. whatever your vices are, are you ready to give up all of those behaviors that no longer serve you?

In order to really tackle these vices you have to get to the root of the problem. Why do I do what to myself? This, my friends, takes some serious self-examination, and it's not easy. A friend an I were just talking last night about how most people don't change, because they are unwilling to look at themselves objectively. When one examines his/herself objectively, they are bound to realize some things that they may not want to admit to. It's sometimes a painful process, but a process necessary for personal growth. And I should add that it is an ongoing process...you will not wake up one day and exclaim "I did it! I'm perfect now!" And that's okay. I personally think it's important that we all just do our best on a day to day basis.

A good tool that someone suggested to me once is to ask yourself, am I treating myself the way that I would treat someone else in my life, like a friend or family member? The answer is mostly likely no. So start there....be KIND to yourself, FORGIVE yourself, give you self room to make mistakes. And LOVE yourself unconditionally, even when you do make mistakes.

I also want to point out that there is a difference between having fun and going overboard. Alcohol is a simple example...sometimes you may want to go out and have a few with friends. That's cool, right? I think so....afterall you are not an *ahem* alcoholic. or so you say. But, ask yourself these questions: 1) am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I need to? 2) Do I know when to stop? 3) I'm I doing anything that is endangering myself or others? If any of these questions cause you to pause and think about your behavior, then take that pause. Take that time to think. Are you perhaps doing something that is actually harming you?

For the record, these are things that I even think about from time to time. I'm constantly going through self-evaluation, because it is important to me...and at this point in my life the thing that are most important to me are health and happiness. And, although it is sometimes a difficult process, I continue to do my best, and to pick myself back up when I fall so that I may do a little better the next time.

To health and happiness!

Self-Reflection Part 1 - Fear-Laced Funk

It's been too long since I've written....but quite frankly, I've felt devoid of anything to say. I've felt devoid of any kind of energy, frankly, which has sparked a whole new period of reflection and self-evaluation.

More specifically, I've been f-ing depressed.

The really frustrating part about this bout of depression is that I didn't want to feel this way, I was totally willing to do whatever I needed to do to feel better. I had to really take some time to figure out why I was in such a funk!

Strangely enough, as I finished that last sentence I got a very sweet, unprovoked compliment from a friend. Ever wonder how much you take for granted throughout the day?

Anyway....back to my story. I isolated my triggers (money issues and creativity blockage, mostly), but I still couldn't climb out of the hole. Then I remembered....sometimes you have to stop trying so hard and just ride it out. Live in that moment - even if the moment totally sucks it is a reminder of your being human with an ability to feel (an aside - once when I was in a really bad place, a friend reminded me that my ability to feel emotion on such a deep level was actually a very special quality...at the time I couldn't appreciate the message, but now I certainly do). You simply can't look for inspiration...you have to let it come to you. In fact, I'm going to roll with the following definition of "inspiration":

Theology .

a.

a divine influence directly and immediately exertedupon the mind or soul.

Of course, an inspiration isn't necessarily "divine." Sometimes we are inspired by the people, ideas and actions that surround us (unless you hold the knowledge that everything is divine, in which case, all inspiration is divine). In any case, it can't be controlled. It's something that flows organically through the mind and the spirit.

So, instead of trying to "force" myself to have an idea, I started re-flooring my apartment. And it looks good, by the way.

We're not going to talk about money though - not ready to deal with that in the mind yet. I'm just reminding myself to release anything that is not in my hands to control, and work positively what what IS in my control. And that can be applied to just about anything in life, huh?

Think about that for a minute...I know that I, even with greater awareness, still try to control everything around me. Now that I can see myself doing it, it's kind of embarrassing. But, there is a false sense of safety in it, and it is scary to let go. But we must let go...otherwise everything that we do in life is colored by fear.

All that being said...I'm here again, typing a post for my blog, priming the pump. I expect it will just get better and better from here on out. In fact, I KNOW it. And therefore I need not worry any longer.

Promethazine Haze

I keep saying this over and over again because I think it is amusing. Then I imagine that I am back in the cast of HAIR, and all of us are lying on the floor of the Planet Earth Theatre, totally doped up on cough syrup. It's actually not an exciting high or anything...I just feel like shit and I need to fantasize about stuff that is slightly better than my current condition. :) Can you believe some people (teenagers) will drink cough syrup to get buzzed? Not worth it, my friends....go take a yoga class.

This morning I awoke knowing that I had a plump, juicy grapefruit at my disposal in the kitchen. It was the first thing I went for. As I sliced it and began to cut a round circle just underneath the rind, I had a small flashback to being in my grandmother's kitchen, the memory of her slicing the grapefruit in the exact same way. To this day I serve my grapefruit the same way - I cut in in half, then use the knife to slice little grapefruit triangles to scoop out with a spoon, finishing it off by dabbling a little sugar on top (except now I use agave nectar instead of sugar). It was such a treat as a young girl to have my grandmother do this for me, it was like she took extra care in serving me something special. I suppose I find similar enjoyment in doing it for myself.

What really struck me (and this occurs to me fairly often), is that I have such few memories of my grandmother. I have such few memories of my childhood, really. I remember some bad things that went down...in fact, I remember some of those bad things as if they only happened a week ago, with great clarity and vividness. But if you asked me to tell you about the games my friends and I used to play...nothing. It strikes me as being particularly abnormal when I have conversations with my old childhood friends, and they say things like "remember that time when..." or "remember how we used to..." And, I don't. I find myself explaining to them that it is not personal, because I don't want them to believe that their existence had no impact on my life, I just genuinely don't remember. It makes me sad. I feel that I either missed out on a whole lot, or I'm missing out now, unable to enjoy those past moments because I'm stuck on some B.S. I'd be better off forgetting.

Or does it matter at all? Should I not be content to let it all go anyhow, and just enjoy today, turning myself to face tomorrow instead of yesterday?

At the end of the day, I suppose it "is what it is," and I probably don't need to spend my time worrying about it...but I'd like to. I'd like to be able to tell you every detail about my grandmother's house, about what she wore, how she smelled. I'd like to remember more than just basic facts. I'd like to be able to transport you there, so that you could truly experience some of the stories I have to share.

I guess that's why we have imagination. :)

New Projects - "Stages"

I have to give some props to Greg Kaczynski for inspiring me to do some more painting...Greg had started a project for himself in which he would create 1 painting a week, regardless of whether or not he had any ideas or if he felt up to it. In doing so I think he has kept his creative energy flowing constantly and produced some great stuff!

I'm not going to do exactly the same thing, but I am going to make a conscious effort to continue the creative energy flow, whether it be through painting, writing, singing or acting. I might even do some dance again, when my body starts to feel better (I've been working out a little too hard recently)!

My first project was inspired by some person feelings alongside a conversation that I had recently with a friend. I call it "Stages."

Forgive the bad lighting. :)

I almost forgot to add this...I'm not quite as proud of this one, but it's a start, and I'll get better. It's a jar-recycling idea I had...although the painting didn't come out as well as I would have liked.