Self-Reflection Part 1 - Fear-Laced Funk

It's been too long since I've written....but quite frankly, I've felt devoid of anything to say. I've felt devoid of any kind of energy, frankly, which has sparked a whole new period of reflection and self-evaluation.

More specifically, I've been f-ing depressed.

The really frustrating part about this bout of depression is that I didn't want to feel this way, I was totally willing to do whatever I needed to do to feel better. I had to really take some time to figure out why I was in such a funk!

Strangely enough, as I finished that last sentence I got a very sweet, unprovoked compliment from a friend. Ever wonder how much you take for granted throughout the day?

Anyway....back to my story. I isolated my triggers (money issues and creativity blockage, mostly), but I still couldn't climb out of the hole. Then I remembered....sometimes you have to stop trying so hard and just ride it out. Live in that moment - even if the moment totally sucks it is a reminder of your being human with an ability to feel (an aside - once when I was in a really bad place, a friend reminded me that my ability to feel emotion on such a deep level was actually a very special quality...at the time I couldn't appreciate the message, but now I certainly do). You simply can't look for inspiration...you have to let it come to you. In fact, I'm going to roll with the following definition of "inspiration":

Theology .

a.

a divine influence directly and immediately exertedupon the mind or soul.

Of course, an inspiration isn't necessarily "divine." Sometimes we are inspired by the people, ideas and actions that surround us (unless you hold the knowledge that everything is divine, in which case, all inspiration is divine). In any case, it can't be controlled. It's something that flows organically through the mind and the spirit.

So, instead of trying to "force" myself to have an idea, I started re-flooring my apartment. And it looks good, by the way.

We're not going to talk about money though - not ready to deal with that in the mind yet. I'm just reminding myself to release anything that is not in my hands to control, and work positively what what IS in my control. And that can be applied to just about anything in life, huh?

Think about that for a minute...I know that I, even with greater awareness, still try to control everything around me. Now that I can see myself doing it, it's kind of embarrassing. But, there is a false sense of safety in it, and it is scary to let go. But we must let go...otherwise everything that we do in life is colored by fear.

All that being said...I'm here again, typing a post for my blog, priming the pump. I expect it will just get better and better from here on out. In fact, I KNOW it. And therefore I need not worry any longer.