Self-Reflection Part 2 - Recklessness

When I was younger, my mom referred to me as her "edge-walker." I was an edge-walker. Actually, I was fairly self-destructive, but it manifested in a way that screamed I don't five a f***, nothing can hurt me, and if it does...whatev. I think that I've either been really lucky, or have had a spirit guide following me along the way keeping me out of TOO much trouble. There are occasions when I look back and am saddened by how mean I was to myself. But, in some ways, I don't mind all of the hardships that I have gone through, because I have learned a lot of lessons along the way, lessons that I feel I can share with others, especially those who may not yet realize the extent of their own recklessness.

That's right, I'm talking to you.

Let's climb out of the well of denial, shall we? Maybe you drink too much. Perhaps you are a little reckless in *ahem* choosing partners...Maybe you smoke, maybe you do drugs....maybe you SHOP too much. whatever your vices are, are you ready to give up all of those behaviors that no longer serve you?

In order to really tackle these vices you have to get to the root of the problem. Why do I do what to myself? This, my friends, takes some serious self-examination, and it's not easy. A friend an I were just talking last night about how most people don't change, because they are unwilling to look at themselves objectively. When one examines his/herself objectively, they are bound to realize some things that they may not want to admit to. It's sometimes a painful process, but a process necessary for personal growth. And I should add that it is an ongoing process...you will not wake up one day and exclaim "I did it! I'm perfect now!" And that's okay. I personally think it's important that we all just do our best on a day to day basis.

A good tool that someone suggested to me once is to ask yourself, am I treating myself the way that I would treat someone else in my life, like a friend or family member? The answer is mostly likely no. So start there....be KIND to yourself, FORGIVE yourself, give you self room to make mistakes. And LOVE yourself unconditionally, even when you do make mistakes.

I also want to point out that there is a difference between having fun and going overboard. Alcohol is a simple example...sometimes you may want to go out and have a few with friends. That's cool, right? I think so....afterall you are not an *ahem* alcoholic. or so you say. But, ask yourself these questions: 1) am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I need to? 2) Do I know when to stop? 3) I'm I doing anything that is endangering myself or others? If any of these questions cause you to pause and think about your behavior, then take that pause. Take that time to think. Are you perhaps doing something that is actually harming you?

For the record, these are things that I even think about from time to time. I'm constantly going through self-evaluation, because it is important to me...and at this point in my life the thing that are most important to me are health and happiness. And, although it is sometimes a difficult process, I continue to do my best, and to pick myself back up when I fall so that I may do a little better the next time.

To health and happiness!

Self-Reflection Part 1 - Fear-Laced Funk

It's been too long since I've written....but quite frankly, I've felt devoid of anything to say. I've felt devoid of any kind of energy, frankly, which has sparked a whole new period of reflection and self-evaluation.

More specifically, I've been f-ing depressed.

The really frustrating part about this bout of depression is that I didn't want to feel this way, I was totally willing to do whatever I needed to do to feel better. I had to really take some time to figure out why I was in such a funk!

Strangely enough, as I finished that last sentence I got a very sweet, unprovoked compliment from a friend. Ever wonder how much you take for granted throughout the day?

Anyway....back to my story. I isolated my triggers (money issues and creativity blockage, mostly), but I still couldn't climb out of the hole. Then I remembered....sometimes you have to stop trying so hard and just ride it out. Live in that moment - even if the moment totally sucks it is a reminder of your being human with an ability to feel (an aside - once when I was in a really bad place, a friend reminded me that my ability to feel emotion on such a deep level was actually a very special quality...at the time I couldn't appreciate the message, but now I certainly do). You simply can't look for inspiration...you have to let it come to you. In fact, I'm going to roll with the following definition of "inspiration":

Theology .

a.

a divine influence directly and immediately exertedupon the mind or soul.

Of course, an inspiration isn't necessarily "divine." Sometimes we are inspired by the people, ideas and actions that surround us (unless you hold the knowledge that everything is divine, in which case, all inspiration is divine). In any case, it can't be controlled. It's something that flows organically through the mind and the spirit.

So, instead of trying to "force" myself to have an idea, I started re-flooring my apartment. And it looks good, by the way.

We're not going to talk about money though - not ready to deal with that in the mind yet. I'm just reminding myself to release anything that is not in my hands to control, and work positively what what IS in my control. And that can be applied to just about anything in life, huh?

Think about that for a minute...I know that I, even with greater awareness, still try to control everything around me. Now that I can see myself doing it, it's kind of embarrassing. But, there is a false sense of safety in it, and it is scary to let go. But we must let go...otherwise everything that we do in life is colored by fear.

All that being said...I'm here again, typing a post for my blog, priming the pump. I expect it will just get better and better from here on out. In fact, I KNOW it. And therefore I need not worry any longer.